


Promises I Should (Not) Keep

by kitkatt0430



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Barry doesn't bounce back from Roy's powers as well, Barry is trying to keep his promises, Coming Out as a Metahuman, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied Mind Rape, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Polyamory, but maybe he shouldn't be in this instance, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22853389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatt0430/pseuds/kitkatt0430
Summary: Barry is trying hard to keep the promises he's made.  To Joe, to keep Iris out of what's going on with the Flash.  To himself, to use his powers to help people, never to cause harm.  And now to Iris... to stay away from her and Eddie.  Even though she made the Flash promise that one, Barry is the Flash.  And so he should keep his promises, right?But after what Bivolo did to him, Barry needs Iris and Eddie's support to keep from spiraling and something has to give.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Eddie Thawne, Barry Allen/Eddie Thawne/Iris West, Barry Allen/Iris West, Eddie Thawne/Iris West
Comments: 19
Kudos: 172





	Promises I Should (Not) Keep

**Author's Note:**

> There's no pipeline prison here; all the villains go to Iron Heights.

Roy Bivolo was escorted to jail all while cheerfully taking responsibility for sending the Flash into a rage like all his other victims. Which makes it all the more frustrating that people still treat the Flash like he's solely responsible for what happened while he was under the influence of Roy's whammy.

Barry hates the double standard. The people from the banks were all considered victims despite all the harm they caused one another. But the cops keep talking about holding the Flash accountable for his actions. Which... he did assault Eddie and he feels like shit about it, but it's not like Barry would have chosen to do that if he hadn't been...

And Iris. She made Barry promise, as the Flash, to stay away from her and Eddie. A rather unflattering post about the Flash went up on her blog that night too and it was still there, days later. After knowing that the Flash was a victim too.

Nobody cared. The Flash had super powers and should have been able to avoid being affected and be perfectly fine with being held to ridiculous standards. No one cared that the Flash was as much a victim as everyone else.

Well... Eddie seemed to get it even if no one else did.

But Barry felt like he couldn't go anywhere without someone wanting to rehash what the Flash did or Caitlin wanting to take yet another brain scan 'just to be sure' and...

He felt sick and violated and like everyone was expecting him to go off the rails again. Which was, in retrospect, why he ended up snapping at Iris.

Eddie and Iris had dropped by the lab to see if Barry wanted to go to dinner with them. Barry did want to go to dinner with them. He'd been holed up in his lab all day and skipped lunch for chocolate covered cardboard flavored protein bars because he'd spent the morning hearing snippets of conversations outside his door, every one of them about the Flash, until he finally gave in and shut his door just to block them out.

But Barry had also promised to keep away from Iris and Eddie. Even if Iris didn't realize Barry was the one she'd made promise that, the fact was that he was the Flash and she didn't want the Flash around her or her boyfriend anymore which meant she didn't want Barry around.

"No, thanks. Really. But I'm fine. Probably going to stay a little longer to finish up this analysis and then head home," he offered a half-hearted smile because he just couldn't seem to manage any better than that.

"Bar, I've barely seen you the last few weeks," Iris insisted. "And you look awful. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine, Iris. A little tired, maybe. It's been a long week." It's been an awful week, in fact, but Barry can't afford a mental health day right now. Much as he needs one.

"All the more reason to clock out on time instead of late for a change," Iris teased.

"Really, Barry, we both want you there tonight," Eddie insisted warmly and...

Barry wanted so badly to say yes. Between his longstanding crush on Iris and the growing crush he was nursing for Eddie... but it'd be a bad idea. Keep it up and he'll have his heart broken by them twice over instead of just the once.

He opened his mouth to say no, again, when someone passed by the open door and the sound of "still can't believe the Flash did that" wafted into the room.

He shut the door that Iris and Eddie had left open on entering without even a thought. "Can't they shut up about that yet?" he muttered, shaking a little.

"Barry... are you okay?" Eddie asked, tone gentle as he put a hand on Barry's shoulder.

"Fine," he replied, sharper than he intended. His day long frustration is starting to turn into a stress headache, but at this point Barry just wants is to be left alone. "I think I will head home now after all. But I'm probably not good company right at the moment." Hopefully they'd accept that instead of continuing to press the subject of dinner.

Because if they do, Barry'll probably give in. And he shouldn't. He promised.

"Barry..." Iris frowned. "If this is about what the Flash did to Eddie..."

"What this is about is that everyone affected by Bivolo is being treated like a victim except for one? And the only reason I can think of why that would be is because the Flash is a meta human and somehow people think that magically makes victim blaming okay," Barry interrupted shortly. He spared a guilty look to Eddie. "I'm sorry about what happened to you. I really am. And I'm so very glad you're okay. But it never would have happened in the first place if Bivolo hadn't... mind raped the Flash. That's what Bivolo's powers basically do to a person, after all."

Eddie grimaced slightly and Iris flinched. "I have been listening to people all week saying shit about the Flash and about meta humans and... it's kind of terrifying to listen to, actually. There are potentially thousands of meta in the city thanks to the accelerator dumping previously unknown types of energy all over the city and many of them may not even know what they are yet. The vast majority of them aren't criminals either. What they all are, however, are victims of an accident. And thanks to the growing prejudice against metas, it's only a matter of time before each and every one of them becomes a victim all over again. People are already trying to argue that meta humans shouldn't be considered human under the law because of something that was done to them against their will. At least before all this, we could point to the Flash as an example of someone using their powers to help people.

"But now he's being called a criminal and a monster and no one cares about the context. And is he even getting the help he needs to deal with the trauma of having someone literally re-write the way his brain works and then having it 'reset' back to normal? Do any of his friends and family know what he's going through? After all, he's pretty clearly hiding his identity to protect them. How many people does he know and care about who are saying shit about the Flash, not knowing that the person they're vilifying is standing right beside them?"

Iris closed her eyes, a guilty expression flitting across her face. Hopefully regretting her last interaction with the Flash, but Barry was kind of beyond caring right now. He wanted to go home and cry and maybe take a bath.

Eddie, though... Eddie looked like he'd just had an epiphany. "Barry... are you a meta?"

Why did Eddie have to be so perceptive?

"It's probably the only reason I even woke up from the coma," Barry admitted in a small voice, suddenly unable to even look at them. He didn't have to tell Iris about his speed. It wouldn't be breaking his promise to Joe as long as she didn't know he was the Flash.

"What?" Iris' voice went up about an octave and Eddie put a hand on her arm to calm her. Might have given her a look too, but Barry couldn't bring himself to look up to see.

Instead, Barry wrapped his arms around his chest and retreated behind his desk. "I have enhanced healing. Which is less awesome than it sounds because it's messed with my metabolism so that it burns out chemicals too fast for them to be effective. Like caffeine or alcohol or anesthetics and pain killers. So if I, say, break a limb, odds are it'll start healing wrong before I make it to a doctor to have the bones set. Then I'd have to have the bone re-set. Which means having it broken a second time. At least I probably can't get cavities anymore," he muttered the last part because he did not want to think about dental drills in his mouth.

"Fuck," Iris breathed, settling atop one of the lab tables. "Barry, why didn't you say anything about this to me?"

"Because I just wanted to be normal again! I didn't want..." Barry felt like he was going to start crying. "I just wanted my life back, Iris. I feel like such a freak sometimes..."

Cisco and Caitlin tried, but he couldn't help but worry how much they saw him as a friend and how much they saw him as a science experiment. And Dr. Wells? Definitely saw him as an experiment first, a person with an actual paying job second. And Joe had been so distant lately; Barry tried to tell himself it wasn't a delayed reaction to him being a meta but a result of Joe's frustration over the lack of leads on Nora's murder and guilt over disbelieving Barry about Henry all these years.

"Oh, Bar..." Iris breathed out.

Eddie came around the desk and put his hand on Barry's shoulder. "Hey..."

Barry looked up and saw only concern and compassion there.

"You're not a freak, Barry. And I'm so glad you have those powers because they brought you back to us. I'd never have gotten the chance to know you if you'd never woken up."

Eyes stinging, Barry felt the tears he'd been holding in all day finally start trickling down his cheeks. Gently, Eddie pulled Barry out of the chair and into a hug, Barry crying quietly against Eddie's chest. Guilt welled up in him because... Eddie was comforting Barry, but Barry had hurt Eddie... and Barry was still lying by omission about being the Flash... and he'd promised to stay away from Eddie but this was the opposite of staying away...

"Barry, please," Eddie said quietly, "don't be alone tonight. Let us go home with you, order some pizza, and just watch a movie or something. We don't have to talk about any of this right now if you're not ready to, okay? Just... please, don't be alone tonight."

He shouldn't. He promised. Iris will never forgive him when she learns the truth.

Barry nods anyway. "Okay." Because he's emotionally exhausted and can't stop crying and he really, really does not want to be alone tonight after all.

* * *

Barry attempts to doze in the back of Eddies car on the ride to his apartment, leaving Iris to be the one who gives Eddie directions there. He gives up on the failed attempt to nap when they reach the turn signal right before the turn in to his complex, though.

"So should we order extra pizza?" Eddie asks as they're pulling into the parking lot.

"Huh?" Iris looks confused, but all Barry can think is that Eddie's definitely going to figure out he's the Flash one day.

"You said that your powers messed with your metabolism, Barry, and you do seem to eat a lot, so..." Eddie trailed off uncomfortably. And now Iris was turned around in her seat, studying Barry closely like she was trying to figure out how she'd missed that.

"Yeah. I, uh... I do need to eat more than normal because of my... powers." Barry wished he could disappear under a rock. Or a blanket. They'd be inside his apartment soon enough and surely he could just nonchalantly disappear into a cocoon made of fluffy blankets or that one weighted blanket he got to help deal with his anxiety issues.

"How much more?" Iris asked, frowning.

"Iris," Eddie hissed before Barry could figure out a response that wouldn't make it obvious there was more than enhanced healing going on.

Right. Eddie used to be overweight as a kid. Barry remembered him saying something about it when Tony had showed up and Barry had been trying to learn to throw a supersonic punch. Eddie had done a much better job than Joe had at showing Barry how to throw a normal punch. But, point was, Eddie knew better than most how seemingly innocent questions about a person's diet could actually be insensitive and triggering for someone.

"Could you order an extra deluxe pizza?" Barry asked, deciding to just ignore Iris' question for now. He hadn't done much running today, so his stomach wasn't screaming for food the way it would if he'd fought a meta earlier or gone for a run to settle his nerves. Which, in retrospect, he probably should have gone on a run to settle his nerves.

"Sounds good," Eddie agreed.

When they got up to Barry's apartment - a little shoe box studio apartment with a tiny kitchenette, a stacked washer and dryer that had smashed Barry's fingers too many times to count, and a large windowsill in the back that used to be covered in plants - Barry ducked into the bathroom and flipped the lock before settling into the tub. With the curtain drawn, he had a nice, cool, dark space to hide in and just breathe, trying to get his emotions to stop bouncing all over the place.

He wanted to be alone. But Eddie had a point that he probably shouldn't be right now. It was just... he'd had a harder time reigning himself in since the thing with Bivolo.

"Pizza's ordered," Iris called through the door, giving a crisp shave-and-a-haircut knock before speaking. "You coming back out any time soon?"

"Yeah," he responded reluctantly. Barry checked himself in the mirror and he looked okay. Well... tired and pale with smudges under his eyes, but not weird. Which was good. He felt weird, though.

Telling Felicity about his powers had been fun and easy. Telling Oliver had been a desperate cry for help and direction when he felt lost. Telling Iris should have felt like coming clean, but instead he was just steeped in more lies because he only told her half the story.

Being hugged by Eddie had been nice. Barry kind of wished he could go back to that.

Instead, Barry went back into the main apartment and set out his floor pillows as a base for his blanket nest. The couch was too small for three people; it was a second hand love seat. Well, technically it could seat three people. Just not comfortably. And in this mood he'd be blanket nesting on the floor anyway, which seemed to be what Iris told Eddie when he started to speak up.

He made sure the pillows were close enough that he could reach the coffee table and then fetched a glass of water and his weighted blanket, then settled and resettled until he was comfy and warm and his blanket was hugging his shoulders just right. He sort of shrugged at Iris' varied suggestions for what to watch until Eddie said he'd pick something at random on Netflix and Barry and Iris could just veto until he landed on something they all liked. And then he went straight for _Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated_ , which no one in that apartment would ever object to.

The pizza showed up as the first episode was ending and Barry had a whole large pizza to himself plus about a third of the other pizza, all without wondering how he was supposed to explain his appetite or worrying about weird looks. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he must've done so before Iris and Eddie left because he woke up, bleary eyed, the next morning tucked into bed still wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

* * *

Things get a little easier after half-way coming out to Iris and Eddie as a meta.

Iris posts on her blog think pieces about the growing prejudice against metas and victim blaming that Barry knows is because of what he said to her. In one of the posts she mentions a class she took at CCU and it hits Barry all over again that he missed her graduation. She got a masters in psychology and he wasn't there to see her walk across the stage to receive her degree.

Every time he thinks he's got a handle on what he lost in those nine months...

"You're sighing too much," Eddie declared. "Come on. Lunch time. Away from your desk and your test tubes."

"Just one more test," Barry faux protested, already grabbing his wallet from his desk drawer.

"Nope. No more tests. Only lunch." Eddie slung an arm around Barry's shoulders. Lunch has kind of turned into their thing over the last week. A really nice thing. It's been nothing but bad news for Barry's growing crush, but since Iris seems to have changed her mind about the Flash again Barry's decided that it's okay if he spends more time with Eddie again. And even if it's not... better to spend time with them both while he can before Iris ends up cutting him out of her life for good.

Wells, however, isn't happy that Barry's spending more time with people outside of the loop and less time on being the Flash. But Barry needs this time away from Team Flash related stuff. More than he'd realized until he woke up refreshed that morning for the first time in forever and could only credit it to Eddie making sure he had a regular lunch hour and both Eddie and Iris coming over the night before to binge watch some more _Scooby Doo_.

In fact, there was a text from Wells on Barry's phone - which he'd also grabbed from the drawer - asking him to drop by during his lunch hour. Barry texted back a 'sorry, busy' and resolved to do a better job setting boundaries with Dr. Wells that evening. Between his day job and being the Flash, it was like Barry was working two full time jobs. Being the Flash was something Barry needed to scale back on before it took over his life completely.

"I was thinking we could get something to go from that sandwich shop down the road and then sit outside at the park?" Eddie said once they got outside. "It's a really nice day out."

"I'd like that," Barry agreed, smiling and tilting his face up to better feel the sunlight.

Both the sandwich shop and the park were walking distance from the station, so they headed to the shop on foot. But right as they were going inside, Eddie's phone rang. He glanced at the caller id and then waved Barry inside. "I'll be just a minute, okay?"

"Sure." And then Barry went and ordered a bunch of sandwiches. Including Eddie's favorite. The people behind the counter were about as 'freaky fast' at sandwich making as Jimmy Johns, but so much tastier, and with the sandwiches - and two drinks - in hand, Barry went back outside as Eddie was getting off the phone.

"I got you some food too," Barry said and handed Eddie the second drink. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. My... my therapist needed to reschedule my appointment. There was a family emergency." Eddie stared at his drink instead of Barry, clearly anxious.

"I hope everything turns out okay for them," Barry said and, impulsively, linked arms with Eddie. He didn't know what else to say or do, but Eddie smiled and unwound a little and they had lunch at a picnic table at the park. And when they've thrown out the wrappers and the finished sodas, Barry says, "I know it's not really my business why you're in therapy... but if you ever want someone to talk about it, I'd like to listen. I mean... if you want to talk to someone not Iris." Because obviously if Eddie wanted to talk to anyone about his therapy, it'd probably be Iris.

Eddie's smile is warm and he ducks his head. Too cute for words, leaving Barry wanting... wanting to kiss Iris' boyfriend. He needed to take a step or two or twenty back.

"I have issues with depression," Eddie said quietly. "It's been better lately, but its something I'm probably always going to struggle with."

"I'm pretty sure I've some sort of anxiety problem," Barry blurted out. And then grimaced, adding, "but I was in and out of therapy after my mom died and it wasn't... good." Which was an understatement. He wants to say a lot of things, like Eddie is brave for being able to go to therapy and trust that the person he talks to will actually listen to him and help him. That therapy scares Barry, that when Iris had been considering becoming a psychologist he'd been a little scared of her and hated himself for it.

But Barry holds the words in and lets Eddie go back to his desk when they arrive back inside the precinct. Barry's lab feels oddly empty the rest of the day.

* * *

Iris shows up at Barry's apartment with a box. A gift, she insists, and cheerfully thrusts it into Barry's hands.

Inside the box is a light. A very, very bright light.

Barry gives her a bemused look. "Did you get me a SAD lamp?" he asked, turning it back off.

"Yes. Because you always get down in the winter, but it's worse this year already. Probably because you missed spring and summer and woke up just in time for it to be fall again, so..." Iris sighed. "I just want to help, Bar. I hope it's not... too much."

Barry hopes it wasn't too expensive, but with his powers he probably does need more sun light exposure than he's getting, just like he needs more food. And Iris is right; he's been more down lately. Whether that's due to seasonal affective disorder or intense stress from being the Flash and... he's still breaking his promise to Iris to stay away from her and Eddie. She hasn't tried to contact the Flash to take that promise back and Barry shouldn't be...

Guiltily, Barry unplugs the lamp from the socket he'd tested it on in his kitchenette. "It's thoughtful, really. I mean, it's a bright lamp and doesn't match my decor-"

"Your decor? You barely have an aesthetic here, Bar," Iris grumps.

"- but I was actually considering getting one of these last year. So I'm really grateful. Thank you, Iris." He paused a beat, then added, "my aesthetic is eclectic and shabby chic, I'll have you know."

"Shabby, yes. Chic, no. Don't use it as a reading lamp at night or you'll never get any sleep at all," Iris advised while Barry moved it over to his bedside table, hidden behind the couch via room dividers.

"I know. Maybe it'll help me be more alert in the morning, actually start getting to work on time," Barry mused, grinning when Iris laughed.

"If you do, I expect a thank you card from Captain Singh."

"Funny." Lamp stowed away and already resolving to make time to sit in front of it every day, Barry asked, "do you have time to stick around for dinner? I was going to order from this new Chinese place that just went in down the block."

"Sounds delicious. I'm game."

So they ordered a ridiculous amount of food and got comfy on the couch together once it all arrived, putting on _Charmed_ on Netflix.

("I forgot how awful the writing for this show was," Iris groaned. "It didn't seem this bad when we were teens."

"It's part of the show's-"

"Don't say it."

"Charm."

"Ugghh...")

Barry was on his third plate of food when Iris paused the show. "Um. So... I wanted to apologize."

Setting aside his food, Barry turned his full attention on Iris. "For what?"

"I've been... I've been kind of taking you for granted. That you're... that you never change all that much and that things were always going to be easy between us. But you did change, a lot, and I was so wrapped up in my drama with hiding my relationship with Eddie from dad that I didn't think about how much the coma would have changed things for you and how difficult readjusting to everything would be and... I didn't support you the way I should have. I made you feel like you couldn't tell me about being a meta and... then I went and sensationalized the meta humans I've been writing about on my blog.

"And what you said about the Flash's friends and family maybe not even knowing who he was... everyone kept talking about the danger I might be putting myself in, so I dug in my heels and kept writing. But what if I put him in danger? I wanted to shine a light on him because he was doing amazing things and helping people, but I was doing it for selfish reasons too." She sighed. "I owe him an apology."

Iris shook her head and then said, "but back to you, I... if it was so easy for me to miss out on you being a meta, what else have I missed about you all those years. You know everything about me, but I... don't know if I can say the same anymore. If I ever could. I've been a bad friend, Barry. And I'm so sorry."

"If I were such a good friend, I wouldn't have hidden anything from you in the first place," Barry muttered, looking away. Iris was always honest with him and he was still lying, the guilt gnawing away inside of him.

"I'm not always a good listener," Iris countered quietly. "There's been a lot of times you've tried to tell me things over the years where I didn't pay attention or assumed I knew what you were going to say so I didn't actually let you finish talking. You have trouble being assertive and I forget that sometimes. Especially since its me and dad you have the hardest time speaking up for yourself with. Don't... feel obligated to tell me the things you're still keeping to yourself right now, okay? But when you're ready... if you're willing to give me another chance... I'd like to listen to you talk about how you feel."

Barry couldn't talk at all. It was like his voice had just abandoned him. So he nodded, jerkily, and then hugged Iris.

He wanted to say 'I love you' and 'its okay you don't love me back' and 'I'm the Flash, please don't hate me'. So maybe it was for the best his sudden inability to speak kept those words from pouring out.

* * *

They're binging _Scooby Doo_ again - Barry, Iris, and Eddie, this time at Eddie's apartment which has a couch that fits all three of them - when somehow the subject comes up about what their first thoughts were on seeing the Flash.

"I saw a story. An opportunity to prove myself as a journalist and blogger," Iris admitted, which stung to hear. "I didn't think of him as a person with people who love him and are afraid for him every time he goes out there. And now I can't think of him as anything but. I need to apologize for what I said... but what if he doesn't read my blog anymore? If I ask to meet, would he even show up?"

"It's worth a try," Eddie offered. "Apparently if I hadn't been knocked out by Clyde Mardon, I'd have seen him when he saved Joe and I from that tornado out on the farm." He sounded genuinely disappointed. "I wish I could thank him for that. The first time I saw him was when he dropped Nimbus off in that... pokeball at the station." Eddie smiled when Barry snickered at the description. "When he told us what Nimbus could do... had tried to do to Joe... I hated that the Flash was fighting people like that alone. I became a police officer to help and protect, but there isn't anything I can do for him and I just... I hope he's not doing everything alone."

Barry wishes he could just disappear. They'd be so embarrassed if they knew, surely...

"I thought about my mom," the words just slipping out without permission. At first all he'd thought of was how fast he was and that he couldn't really figure out what was happening to him on his own. But at Ferris Air, running down the airstrip, Barry had seen the electricity build up around himself and it had been distracting. So distracting he'd failed to stop in time and crashed, hard, breaking his wrist in the process. He'd been lucky Caitlin hadn't needed to re-break the bones. That time, anyway.

"Bar?" Iris took his hand in hers. Eddie looked rather concerned too.

"The night my mom died," Barry said, more for Eddie's benefit than Iris', "I saw what I could only describe as a lightning storm in the house. Red and yellow lightning circling mom, keeping dad, and me, away from her. When the red lightning came to a stop, there was a man inside it and he..." he'd stared at Barry with what were, quite frankly, fucking terrifying eyes that flickered with red lightning. The stuff of nightmares. "He was dressed in yellow and just stared at me. And then I was suddenly several blocks away. By the time I ran home, the man in the lightning had murdered my mom."

Always too slow, the story of Barry Allen's life.

"Whoever was in the yellow lightning must've saved your life," Eddie said quietly.

Barry and Iris both turned to Eddie with startled looks.

"Well," Eddie shrugged, "we know speedsters are real now and Barry's description makes it sound like there were two of them fighting each other in the house that night. Maybe the Flash is the first speedster to get noticed by the press, but it stands to reason that maybe he isn't actually the first person to gain powers like this. And you said the red lightning was associated with the man in yellow, so maybe the yellow lightning belonged to someone else. Someone who followed him into your house to stop him from hurting anyone and when he fixated on you, just a kid, that other speedster rushed you to safety, but was too late to save your mother when they got back to the house."

"You believe me." Barry's voice shook a little. Eddie was just so... "Just like that?"

Eddie got up and came around to the other side of the couch so he could wrap Barry up in a hug. "I know you're probably used to people not believing you, but I promise you, Barry, I believe you."

* * *

It all comes crashing down like Barry feared it would.

The speedster in yellow shows up, taunting Barry. He's faster than Barry and trounces him in a fight after almost gleefully confessing to killing Barry's mom and calling himself the Reverse Flash. If Ronnie hadn't shown up out of nowhere, Barry probably would have died.

As it is, he hits his head pretty badly and when Eddie helps him stand up on unsteady legs, Barry nearly passes out in his arms. Forgets to disguise his voice.

"Barry?" Eddie breathes the name out, so quiet no one else could've heard.

Barry runs away. He's not proud of it, but that's what he does. Runs away to STAR Labs where he passes out in the safety of Caitlin's office. He wakes to the sound of Eddie and Iris arguing with Joe and panic takes hold.

Iris knows. She knows he's been lying to her, to Eddie... that he promised to stay away from them and broke that promise before the week was even out. And Eddie... Barry's never heard Eddie sound so angry - so furious - before.

No one's noticed Barry's awake yet and it's a relief because there's too many raised voices and Barry keeps hearing what the Reverse Flash said about killing his mother as punishment for surviving as a child and... and... Barry can barely breathe, barely think. He's drowning, it's too much.

He runs away again. This time to his apartment, phasing through the door and he doesn't really remember the rush to get there, but he finds himself curled up in his weighted blanket inside his bathtub and he sleeps again. Uncomfortable and so alone and emotionally wrung out, it isn't really the restful sleep he needs but a hazy, fitful doze somewhere on the cusp of true unconsciousness.

Barry startles awake again to voices in another room, this time just outside the bathroom door.

"You're sure he came here?"

"Pretty sure, anyway. Let's just check. Bathroom first; Barry's always liked enclosed spaces when he has a panic attack."

He's too dazed and sleepy to process who the voices belong to until they're pushing aside the curtain and Eddie gently cajoles Barry into opening his eyes.

"Hey there, Bar," Eddie says quietly. "It's been a really bad day, huh?"

Barry nodded his head. Was it really still the same day? The day that wouldn't end.

Iris took his hand. "It can't be that comfortable in there. Please, Bar, why don't you go lay in bed now, okay?"

She should be angry... shouldn't she? Barry's afraid to ask. Instead he lets Eddie and Iris help him out of the tub and unwrap from his blanket. They lead him to his bed, behind the privacy screens, and give him so pajamas to change out of his suit into so he'll be more comfortable.

While the others putter around in the kitchen and living area, just out of sight with both privacy screens in place, Barry slowly stretches and peels off his suit, and puts on the pajamas. And socks. One of them had also laid out a pair of warm fuzzy, grippy socks that Barry doesn't remember owning. There's a tag on the floor for them and Barry holds it, staring, for a long moment wondering if they'd stopped to buy him grippy socks on the way to his apartment.

The socks feel nice on his feet, which always ache a little, all the time, from running. It was a nice gesture, if they did stop for socks.

Barry's cheeks are wet and he's not sure when he started crying. But suddenly Iris is there again, holding him tightly. "I knew something was wrong, Bar," she murmured quietly. "I'm so angry at dad for making you promise to keep this all from me. I've always been your support through hard times and he took me away from you with that promise."

"Aren't... aren't you mad at me?" Barry asks, voice wavering.

"I'm upset you didn't break that promise," she admits softly. "But I know you, Bar. You've got a tendency towards keeping promises to the point of self harm. I should have known something was wrong sooner."

"But I broke my promise to you," Barry pulled away. Had she not realized yet? "You wanted me to stay away from you and Eddie, but I couldn't. I'm sorry, but I needed you both too much. I knew it was selfish, I shouldn't have..."

"Oh, Bar..."Iris was crying now too. "Oh, Bar, I'm sorry. I never should have asked that of you in the first place. You weren't being selfish, sweetheart. You weren't."

Barry's not sure when Eddie joins them, just that one moment he wasn't there and the next he was, arms around them both and murmuring soft, soothing words. And so Barry falls asleep again and wakes up to the quiet sound of the TV in the background, the privacy screens having been put away entirely. He's still on his bed, under the covers now, and Eddie and Iris sit on the couch, waiting for him to wake back up.

He's more coherent now, the concussion long since healed and his emotional distress having wound its way back down to a more manageable hum.

So Barry gets up and shuffles over, intending to pillow nest in front of the couch. Instead he finds himself wedged between Iris and Eddie. And then Eddie switched them over to _Scooby Doo_. Nobody talks about Barry being the Flash and Barry doesn't talk about the break down he just kind of had. They all just... breathe for a while and let the Mystery Inc gang do their thing.

* * *

Eventually Barry does have to talk to them about being the Flash. About promising Joe not to bring Iris into it.

("Of course he said it was for my safety. Ugh. At no point does ignorance make someone safe, Bar. All he did was isolate us from each other and make you less safe. Dad's on my shit list until he understands why he was wrong. Do you understand why he was wrong?"

"Yeah. But once I promised..."

"I know Bar.")

He finally opens up about way Roy did to him too. The half remembered, nightmare recollections of being so angry and not knowing why and no outlet being enough to sate the rage he'd been feeling and just... he hates himself so much now because Eddie got hurt.

("I'm sorry, Eddie..."

"It isn't your fault. It's Bivolo's. And he's in jail where he belongs." Eddie's hugs are addictive and Barry feels safe there, curled up against the other man's chest.)

And they talk about the speedster in yellow. A time traveler. The man who murdered Barry's mother... because he didn't get to murder Barry.

("If he'd killed me that night, she'd still be alive," Barry says. Part of him wishes that was what had happened that night. Not because Barry wishes he was dead. He doesn't; he's so grateful to be alive. But he misses his mother...

"Your mother," Iris says insistently, "would never have wanted that. She loved you so much, Barry. She'd never want you to feel guilty. That... person," Iris bites off the word, not wanting to give even that small piece of humanity to the speedster in yellow, "is trying to confuse and manipulate you. There's something he wants from you and he's trying to shift the blame from himself onto his victims - on to you - so you'll be more likely to listen to him."

"I know how much words hurt," Eddie added. "But when he says things that get inside your head, you can always talk to us and we can help you find peace again.")

And Barry realizes loves them both so strongly that he feels like his heart might burst from it.

* * *

There are more fuzzy, grippy socks in his dresser and Barry is ridiculously happy about them. Maybe a little too pleased since they're just socks, but then Cisco and Caitlin start coming up with more self care stuff he should try out when he mentions how nice the socks Iris and Eddie got him are after a particularly long day of running.

Foot soak tubs and scented epsom salt soaks actually sound really, really nice.

(The first time he tried it, the water was too lukewarm and he spilled water all over the place moving the tub in front of his couch and the little tub was basically just a bucket with indentions on the bottom to rub aching feet against, but it smelled nice and relaxing and well worth trying again. The second time the water was too hot, but he spilled less on the way to the couch and once the water cooled enough to be comfy for his feet it was amazing and Barry was hooked.)

* * *

After dinner one evening, over at Eddie's apartment as they finished the final two episodes of _Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated_ (with a glass of wine each), Barry starts to get the impression that there's something Eddie and Iris want to say to him. But they're being really nervous about it. Shifty, glancing at each other and then Barry and then blushing.

They're being adorable and Barry wishes he could give them each a kiss and tell them that. But... despite all the time he spends with them these days, they're not his. Not in the way he wants them to be, anyway.

"So, um... Bar..." Iris finally speaks up when the show ends and the Mystery Gang heads off on their road trip. "Eddie and I have been talking about moving in together."

Which is great, really, Barry's happy for them. He's gotten used to the sort of achy feeling in his chest when he's reminded that they're a unit and he's the third wheel, he can deal with this. "That's awesome. If you guys want, maybe I can help you narrow down your final picks? You'd be surprised what you learn to look for in houses and apartments when you're a crime scene investigator."

"Actually..." Eddie this time. "We'd like you to be part of us... moving in together. And just... us in general. I'm saying this badly, aren't I?"

"Yes. Yes, you are." Iris rolled her eyes and gave Eddie a fond look. "We practiced, Eddie. You were doing so well."

"Oh shut up," Eddie muttered, burying his face in his hands, but a small smiled was on his face.

"Um... are you two..." Barry hesitated. "Are you asking me to move in with you two or... date you two?" He is so confused now and hoping very, very much that this isn't just wishful thinking tripping him up.

"Both." Iris reached over and took Barry's hand in hers. "We want our relationship to include you and whatever home we make to be all of ours. Yours and Eddie's and mine."

There is so much Barry wants to say to that. All the years he's been in love with Iris. The fragile new love he feels for Eddie. And he will tell them, when he's ready. He doesn't have to hide any of it anymore and that's... Barry smiles, bright and happy.

"Yes. I want that. I want to date you two and move in together and... yes."

Eddie peers up from his hands. "Does this mean I can kiss you? Because it's been driving me crazy how much I want to kiss you."

So Barry kisses Eddie. And then he kisses Iris.

There's a lot more to discuss here. Like how Barry absolutely cannot do any more secrets. And he wants plants in the apartment - he misses having plants, all his died while he was in the coma and he's starting to think it was a mistake to wait to buy replacements. (Green, growing things make Barry's anxiety easier to cope with.) And he might want to hang on to his separate apartment until the lease runs out next spring, just so that he can ease into this relationship over time.

But they can talk about that later. For now, Barry just wants to bask in how wonderful this moment feels.


End file.
